Snake's Snake Rampage
by Wario the TableMan
Summary: The entire time I knew him, he only ever had one goal... To be a snake.


"All right, it's time for some action," rasped Solid Snake. He gave Captain Falcon the signal.

"Are you sure about this, Snake?" asked Cap. Snake nodded in approval and Cap reeled back and delivered a devastating Falcon PAWNCH.

The hit connected with all four of Snake's limbs and they flew off into the sunset, leaving the espionage genius with nothing more than a head, body, and oh-so delicious booty.

"Many thanks, Cap!" grinned Snake. "This kind of new look is sure to give Liquid a run for his money!"

Captain Falcon saluted and ran off to go kick Yoshi because he committed dat tax fraud.

"Ha-ha! I am now a true Snake!" Snake then wriggled his way around the neighbourhood, popping his tongue in and out in order to sense harsh vibes within the community.

Mario and Luigi were having a jog when they suddenly noticed Snake on the ground. "Where are your arms and legs, pal?" asked Luigi.

"I am now more powerful than you could ever fathom!" growled Snake. He pounced on Luigi and swallowed him whole.

"Mama mia!" cried Maro. He ran away as fast as he could.

"Yes! My Snake abilities are getting stronger!" Snake said as he noticed a Pikachu and Pichu picking daisies in the meadow. "They should know better than that!" He slithered on over and clamped his jaws upon the elder rat. Pichu screamed as Pikachu got poisoned by Snake's Poison Fang attack.

"Yo! What was dat for?" said Greninja who was pratising his ninja-ness in another flower patch. He ran up to Pichu to save him from the intruder.

"If you pick flowers, you could stumble across wild animals with deadly abilities! I just taught that slouch a lesson!" hissed Snake.

"I don't even understand how you poisoned Pikachu. What did you eat, man? My gosh."

Snake scoffed and slinked away once again. He was sneaky enough to wiggle between the cracks at Bowser's castle. He bit all the Koopalings except for Roy. He let him live because there aren't enough Roys in Smash.

When Bowser saw his poisoned children, he cried out to the sky spirits for assistance. They sent Dark Pit though, so nothing happened except for a neat echo effect.

Snake wiggled into the Popstar portal and lunged at Dedede. The fat penguin king was allergic to humans so the contact with Snake's fangs made his body swell up to an amazing set of pecs, abs, and biceps. It was the perfect combo, but only for diehard Dedede mains that cause earthquakes with girth.

Kirby ran up and screamed when he saw that Dedede was swelling up uncontrollably. He quickly pulled his shoes off and tried to massage the swoleness away with his pink little tootsie toes.

"I am such a righteous reptile!" sneered Snake with the utmost coolness. He shot off to the next domain to cause more wholesome chaos.

And what better place to cause chaos than Sonic's house. The blue hedgehog was busy watering his spice garden while listening to the latest Crush 40 album on his iPhone X (buy it now).

Snake snuck up like a critter of stealthy goodness and surprised Sonic by unfurling his brunette mullet like a cobra hood. Sonic screamed and dropped his water can. He then fell off the side of the garden and hit the blast zone.

"Hah! Guess he was too slow to react!" smirked Snake.

Snake continued to torture the remaining smashers with his newfound serpentine powers. After twenty more minutes of pure idiocy on Snake's behalf, the community had finally had enough.

"We need to get rid of this pest!" grumbled Bowser. "He bit my kids!"

"He ate my brother!" wept Mario.

"He poisoned poor Pikachu!" croaked Greninja.

"Dudes, he made me experience high tide!" Pit shouted as he cackled while ascending into the heavens. Dark Pit scoffed because he an edgy boi and edgy bois do dat.

"We need to set some snake traps!" cried Sonic.

Donkey Kong screamed and suddenly keeled over. Everyone gasped. Snake had infiltrated the meeting room and was chomping down and poisoning everyone.

"Dis is a real-time tragic-edy!" cried Dedede as he flew away with Kirby cradled in his righteous muscles like some dreamboat.

"It's over now!" hissed Snake in a sassy, vemon-coated tone.

Everyone vacated the room, but Snake was gaining more and more with each step. He slithered up and constricted his body around Wario, squeezing the unpleasant smells out of him and filling the room with filthy fumes.

Everyone was gasping and choking as Wario's scents contaminated any form of breathable air. Ganondorf took a large gulp as he tried to save Ness and Lucas. He fell to his knees wheezing. "Go on! You're still young!" he cried.

"We won't leave without you!" Lucas teared up.

"You still… have so much life left… to… live…" Ganondorf collapsed. Ness and Lucas ran as they heard the distinct rattling of Snake coiling around the fallen Gerudo King.

Only four Smashers made it out of the room alive: Mario, Captain Falcon, Ness, and Lucas. Captain Falcon held the door shut tight as his delicious squeezers. "This is all my fault, guys!" he sobbed.

"No more tears for fears, Dougy," said Mario. "All that matters is that Snake is locked up and can't hurt anyone even again."

"But there are still people in there…" murmured Lucas.

"I'm afraid we've done all we can for them… There is no antidote for Solid Snake's lethal venom," said Mario sadly.

"There has to be another way…" said Cap. "Ness, do you have any suggestions?"

Ness pulled a giant bazooka out of his back pocket and aimed it at the building. "Okay," he said in a serious tone.

"Our only hope," Mario whispered with a tear in his eye.

KEPT YA WAITIN', HUH?


End file.
